Compassionate Parenting with Joyce

The Sparklers team spoke with an inspiring parent who shared her thoughts and experiences of parenting. Joyce has an awesome approach, as a guardian of three gorgeous tamariki. She experienced life as a solo and a working mum (her husband) was a stay at home parent when she became a co-parent – choosing to have one income while raising their whānau. We asked Joyce about her approach to compassionate parenting.

Kōrero and Kai is Key

We always sat down for kai around the kai table and allowed time to kōrero, engage, and connect with our tamariki. As simple as asking pātai like, 'what did you learn today?’ Their answers could range from something they learned on the playground with friends, to lessons from the classroom. If they didn’t have an answer, I’d give them prompts like, ‘did you have maths today?’ or ‘what happened that was new for you today?’ Remember, it’s okay if they don’t talk right away.”

There were times my children were upset when they got home from school. We would talk about it around the table so they would feel safe and loved when talking about what made them upset or angry. That connection at the dinner table was the most important out of all of our teachings to our tamariki.

We would play word games - this teaches the children new kupu, how to spell them and how to use them in a sentence. We would have a dictionary and thesaurus, to show the meaning of the word. This became a favourite time and the kids would try to find words that we wouldn't use or they would start off the game when it was their letter time with a BIG word.

As a whanau we are most engaged when sitting around the kai table. I didn't realise how much of an impact it had till other rangatahi would stay at ours and would comment on it.To this day, our kids still open up when we’re around kai, it’s like our safe space to kōrero with their feelings, thoughts and ideas. It was also our place to impart our whanau values and house rules. No angry talk at the table. That was a rule I forgot to mention, but an important one.

Aroha is the greatest asset

Choosing to have one income, meant we were poor for a long time and our children have said that they felt poor and didn’t want their friends to come over because we never had the flash electronic games, or expensive tvs and gadgets. We had second hand furniture and clothes. Most of their friends' parents had two incomes or two separate families where all sets of parents worked.

However our richness is coming through now as our children are older and the generosity they have for other people especially those in their tight circle of friends.

The most valuable thing we did as parents was give our time. Our golden rule was to put our kids first.

Boundaries and Consequences and Negotiation

We had certain agreements or house rules and we created a lot of choices. Our golden rule was to put our kids first. Sometimes, the truth came with consequences, and we believed in honesty: three chances, and if they didn’t follow through, the consequence was chores. They learned to negotiate: “Can I do it after school?” Sometimes, a different option made all the difference.

Our house rules are like a rugby field. There’s a lot of open space if you stay within the boundaries in that field. Our children understood the whānau rules, this applies to their friends as well, and when they go out of bounds, it comes with consequences and a korero.

• Sometimes there is negotiation on the consequences, whatever the outcome our children understood that we loved them still even if we are upset.
• Our disappointment does not mean we do not love them. This is the most important lesson. it would be a kōrero and we’d follow through with a consequence. This creates consistency and stability, providing them with options for what the consequences are.

Measured consequences

• Straight home after school for a school week.
• Time limit.
• No hanging out with friends after school.

After two days, we could have a discussion where they could negotiate to play after school on certain days. If they managed to complete their chores, they could enjoy their time freely; if not, the chores would continue for another week. This structure worked well for our children.

They weren't perfect angels, they learned to navigate within the rules, enjoying freedom as long as there was open kōrero. We aimed to remain responsive and calm throughout the process.

Tricky kōrero

When reflecting on the past, on something that’s happened, if something doesn’t seem quite right, that’s a conversation we have at home—not in front of the rest of the world.

We try very hard not to tell them off in front of others. You can be and do or say whatever you want. We've got your back. If we disagree with how or what was said, this is a discussion for us to have at home, where they feel safe and secure, not in an environment where they do not feel supported. Even if it isn’t right, we can chat about it.

How do you think the other person feels? Cultivate empathy and compassion in your tamariki by looking at the situation from another perspective of those involved. How do you think the other person feels?

• Encourage your tamariki to stick strong to their values –, do you have whānau values? When they do get things right, praise them! Encourage your tamariki when you notice even the smallest change like ‘you’re doing great, I’m proud of you’.
• Get a rōpū of supportive parents who remind each other that it's a village that's needed to raise kids.
• Parents should support parents and also take a stand when a child is being impacted. Have your kids’ back first and foremost, and let other parents know that you will speak with them when they’re calm.

Be on their side, let them know you prioritise their well-being.Maintain a grounded, calm presence. Once a child knows someone has their back, it’s incredibly empowering. It allows them to make changes because they feel believed in and can be themselves. That foundation of trust is crucial, especially during tricky times when they need to come to you.

We want to thank Joyce for her in-depth insights on compassionate parenting methods. If you have any questions, please feel free to reach out!